Whining

Have you ever just wanted to curl up with a blanket by a nice hot cozy fire and sit in silence while the autumn leaves rustle in the brisk air outside? I’m doing it right now. All I hear is the crackling of the fire and the laundry making its last cycle.

My heart is heavy right now and I can’t quite put my finger on why. The Lord has been pouring out His blessings on me so much lately I hardly know what to do. He has given us a nice apartment, new jobs, visiting friends- and those are just the tangible things. He has been allowing stuff to hurt and to challenge where my faith has grown exponentially… He has been giving me so much joy- my desire for Him has increased. There have been times recently where I have cried out praises to Him, I’ve yelled at the enemy and demanded he flee, I’ve heard the Lord clearly, I’ve been gently corrected, and I’ve been loved unconditionally. In the past two weeks I have been so uncomfortable… yet so full of praise and joy.

So why is my heart heavy?

I wish I could tell you. Confusion is not from the Lord, this I know. However, my thoughts have been all over the place today. Let me just be vulnerably honest with you. I so desire to already be in Africa- the Central/Southern part living with people… loving on them- particularly those with Aids… right now. However, as things are beginning to unfold… it doesn’t look like this is where He has me going…. This is tough because why is my desire to go there so strong if my actions are not leading in that direction?

Today I started a new job working at a hospital… I’ll be there for at least seven months. I know this is what I’m to do for now…it’s a good job… one that I’m not even qualified to do- yet the Lord opened some locked doors to get me in. I should be so amazed and excited right? So thankful… I truly am. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that my heart is elsewhere. Every time my pastor voices the need for “workers” … and this has been a lot recently….it grips at my heart so much. The realization is that people are hurting; children are being led astray and abused in the very areas of the world I wish to go. Many young ones long for someone to take them into their arms and hold them and kiss their foreheads. People all around me are rising up and being sent to the very places I desire to go so badly- However, now is not my time.

“Be content Shantra, trust me”

It even goes deeper then this. It seems as if I have no control over my life… relationships/ friendships are going places they have never gone before- to new depths. I feel the pressure to do things that I have never desired to do, but I know would be honoring to Him. I experience joy, but then want to flee and not turn back. I feel temptation and fear banging on my doors from all angles. I am so uncomfortable at certain times in the way I interact with the Lord...it is out of the box- it isn’t “normal” yet I know that my Father rejoices.

To realize your life is not in your control… in fact that it is spinning out of control at a rapid pace has the potential to be very scary, even confusing. This is not the reaction He desires from us when life is unpredictably new. He wants obedience, He wants unyielding devotion. He wants us fully surrendered.

Trusting the Lord without seeing the next step is very uncomfortable. This is what it all boils down to… I lack great faith. My faith is smaller than a mustard seed! Yes, I know God has created me for great movements… that I will rise up as a great warrior for our King and I will battle hard in His timing. I know this, but do I trust this?

The hardest part for me in all of this is discerning. For example, I know the Lord has called me to Africa, but why is there a door opening where there has never been a desire? Am I to wait until the place I’ve envisioned for so long opens up? Or should I trust that perhaps His vision for me has changed? Or even more scary, that I’ve heard wrong.Or... the list goes on and on...

Do I trust certain people who have authority in my life enough to fall under their leading even if I’m not completely positive if/when/ and what having that covering looks like and even if I should?

I know it sounds like I’m losing it, but really I think I’m beginning to see what this heavy heart of mine is caused by- selfishness and lack of faith.

Bottom line. I don’t want control over my life. I want to lose my life… not in the suicidal way, but in the way that I desire the Lord to use me however, whenever, and in whichever way that looks. I want His agenda, His timing, His everything.

Empty me Lord of my own selfish desires, and my pre conceived notions of what things should look like in my mind. Take it away in Jesus name. I relinquish control to you, the Almighty King. Grow your people Lord- as a strong body boldly walking in your truth. Raise up a warrior princess in me to fight fierce for you Lord hearing you every step of the way, clearly. God focus my eyes to see you, let me hear your words without any confusion. Lord, I want to walk in your ways- not in my own. Abba I desire to be filled with you- more fully. Oh Abba, I want you desperately and I want you to be known throughout all the nations. Would you use me oh Lord. I surrender to you. I surrender. Praise you Father.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

Amen